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Post by tetherednchained on Jun 18, 2007 16:33:54 GMT -5
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1"
"2"
"3" "4"
"5"
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , Florida , West Virginia and Washington DC .
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Post by Modern Method. on Jun 19, 2007 13:58:43 GMT -5
^^ lmao, cruel but oh so funny.
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Post by Xalazi on Jun 19, 2007 17:28:26 GMT -5
What santa does the other 364 days:
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Post by tetherednchained on Jun 20, 2007 16:07:40 GMT -5
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Post by Ass Turkey on Jun 20, 2007 16:41:46 GMT -5
hahhahaha to this entire page of posts!
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Post by tetherednchained on Jun 22, 2007 0:46:28 GMT -5
Who is this man?
A) German Ambassador to the United States? B) Former rock and roll star? C) Spokane, Washington serial killer? D) Announced Presidential candidate in ? E) CEO of Haliburton? The answer: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Ok, who here feels old now? I know there are at least a few.
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Post by ♥Ms J®♥ on Jun 22, 2007 18:58:40 GMT -5
lol hey hey we're the monkees and people say we monkee around
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Post by Xalazi on Jun 23, 2007 21:38:09 GMT -5
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Post by sometimes the voices argue on Jun 24, 2007 23:35:58 GMT -5
i realized that by skipping the one song that i hate on an album, the album becomes much better. wow i wish i was smarter eariler.
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Post by timmy on Jun 25, 2007 22:11:03 GMT -5
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Post by tetherednchained on Jun 26, 2007 15:11:22 GMT -5
The topic of poop is always funny to me so:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work!
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER! People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom!
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink and then to the door after you have stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for this person before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A safe haven is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a CAMO COUGH. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. The CAMO COUGH is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An ASTAIRE is a subtle toe tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TODD:
An UNCLE TODD is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TODD makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
I hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life!
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Post by tetherednchained on Jun 29, 2007 10:07:54 GMT -5
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Post by Xalazi on Jun 29, 2007 23:40:28 GMT -5
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Post by Modern Method. on Jun 30, 2007 13:00:41 GMT -5
^^ lmao
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Post by tetherednchained on Jul 3, 2007 18:19:53 GMT -5
This is what happens when you keep your beer in the freezer just a tad too long. Beer float. Ummmmmmm beer float!
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Post by Xalazi on Jul 4, 2007 21:37:49 GMT -5
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Post by Xalazi on Jul 9, 2007 23:26:23 GMT -5
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Post by Xalazi on Jul 10, 2007 15:04:30 GMT -5
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Post by Xalazi on Jul 14, 2007 21:53:57 GMT -5
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Post by Xalazi on Jul 16, 2007 14:58:32 GMT -5
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