Post by Dance Away on Oct 27, 2009 15:58:47 GMT -5
April 11, 1999
Once your car's booted, fleeing bosoms gets lot tougher
By Dave Barry
Vacation season is approaching, so today I want to issue a Travel Warning to help you avoid a menace that could completely ruin your vacation: bosoms.
This menace was brought to my attention by a recent letter to my newspaper, The Miami Herald (motto: "Keep Looking! It's Somewhere In Your Yard!"). This letter was written by the Rev. Keith A. Marvel of Wilmington, Del. He states:
"Three friends and I recently visited Miami to get in a little Florida sunshine and some golf. Our four-day stay was a bit of a shock.
"First we thought maybe we landed in another country when we walked to a beach -- marked for our hotel's guests only -- only to find topless women sunbathers.
"As Christian men, we are taught to flee this type of thing, which is hard in Miami since it seemed that this type of immorality was nearly everywhere.
"Then, the clincher came at 7 p.m. Saturday night when we went to get dinner and came back to find our car, which was 'booted' by a company."
After describing his group's unsuccessful efforts to protest the $25 parking fine, Rev. Marvel states: "I hope that the city of Miami Beach would do something about this ordinance and topless sunbathing. If not, maybe you should warn tourists before they spend their hard-earned money on a trip to Miami."
First, by way of sincere apology, let me state, on behalf of all of the citizens of Miami and Miami Beach, who have unanimously elected me to speak for them, that the letters in "Keith A. Marvel" can be rearranged to spell "Hark! Evil Meat!"
Let me also state that Rev. Marvel is correct: There are topless women sunbathers in Miami, although I think it's a stretch to say they're "nearly everywhere." I've lived in Miami for 13 years, and if it were infested with topless women, I definitely would have noticed. Also it would be mentioned on the TV news.
ANNOUNCER: What's our forecast, Bob?
WEATHER PERSON: Bill, I look for warmer temperatures and continued naked bosoms all over the place, so the public should remain indoors with duct tape over its eyes.
It's not as bad as that. But we do get our topless sunbathers. Most of them are tourists from Europe, which is known for being immoral. Europeans openly smoke cigarettes; they think nothing of toplessness. You cannot turn around in Europe without seeing a marble statue of a topless ancient Greek or Roman goddess the size of a Budweiser Clydesdale, expressing the ancient artistic concept: "I cannot find a marble brassiere in my size."
So European women often sunbathe topless. European men are also quite exposed. Apparently there was some huge mix-up over in Europe, whereby all the eye patches were mislabeled as men's bathing suits, the result being that European men at the beach often have nothing covering their Euros but a piece of fabric the size of a Cheez-It. Meanwhile, Europeans who injure their eyes are stumbling around with swimming trunks over their heads.
On my fact-finding trips to Miami-area beaches, I've noticed that the Europeans don't seem to notice that they're almost naked. But the Americans definitely do. The American women are cool about it; they have developed the ability to look at things, such as a man's Euro region, via a Stealth Glance technique, so that you never actually catch them doing it. (They use a similar technique for scratching.) American men, on the other hand, are as subtle as a dog with its nose in another dog's butt. When an American man catches sight of a bosom, his head snaps toward it, his eyeballs lock onto it like missile radar, and a loud alarm goes off in his brain, similar to the one in submarine movies that goes "DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!", except it goes "BOSOM! BOSOM! BOSOM!" As long as the man is within range of the bosom (12 miles) his head will remain pointed toward it and he will be unable to think about anything else; this is the primary cause of freighters running aground.
The point is that if a man, for example the Rev. Marvel, is on the same beach as a bosom, he is physiologically incapable of simply ignoring it. He has to look! And then of course he has to flee. This is why I am issuing the following warning to travelers: IF YOU COME TO THE MIAMI AREA, AND YOU GO TO THE BEACH, THERE IS A CHANCE YOU WILL SEE TOPLESS SUNBATHERS. The Miami tourist bureau requests that you tell everybody you know about this warning and spread it on the Internet. The Orlando tourist bureau has also asked me to warn you that they have a bosom problem there, but the Miami bureau claims that most of the Orlando ones are artificial.
Let me conclude by thanking Rev. Marvel for alerting the world to this danger. As a token of our appreciation, we will have the people who booted his car executed without trial. And we will make every effort to rid our community of decadent, hedonistic and degenerate activities. We'll start with golf.Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Dave Barry Official Website
www.davebarry.com/
The website print-offs I'm holding in this photo ...
...featuring the "Drapegate" incident of 2002-2005
(John Ashcroft and the Spirit of Justice statue)
will be presented in
"Liberty Has Here Made Her Home (blue text #10)"
under the header of
"It's on My Bedroom Wall, Blue Text #10 Edition"
...featuring the "Drapegate" incident of 2002-2005
(John Ashcroft and the Spirit of Justice statue)
will be presented in
"Liberty Has Here Made Her Home (blue text #10)"
under the header of
"It's on My Bedroom Wall, Blue Text #10 Edition"
It's on My Bedroom Wall, Part 3
garbage.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=Talkaboutanythingunderthesun&action=display&thread=15982
It's on My Bedroom Wall, Part 2
garbage.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=Talkaboutanythingunderthesun&action=display&thread=15979
It's on My Bedroom Wall, Part 1
garbage.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=Talkaboutanythingunderthesun&action=display&thread=15715